Today is #dblogcheck. (Editing note: Sorry, got the hashtag wrong when I first wrote this post this morning…) This is a check on all the diabetes blogs out there to let bloggers of diabetes know they are not alone. It was begun, and encouraged, by Chris Snider over at A Consequence of Hypoglycemia.

I’d like to give a nod to Chris and others like him. What they are trying to do for people with diabetes is wonderful. They inspire. They bring people together. They promote a sense of community. And they are always, always, optimistic.

I complain a lot here about #dstigma and comments I see on diabetes websites, and from guest bloggers on those websites, but, in truth, I wouldn’t have an insulin pump if I hadn’t been inspired by Kerri over at Six Until Me. I wouldn’t know all I do about CGMs (and desire to have one so badly, though finances are currently prohibitive) without many of the people in the DOC who so openly share their stories. And I wouldn’t know about depression and diabetes if not for those who have shared those experiences.

I don’t always agree with what I read in the DOC. I don’t feel as though I fit in with the people in the DOC. Many of the DOC advocates know exactly who they are, what they have, and how they deal with it. They have been diabetic for a long time and have come to a place of acceptance with their diabetes.

I have not reached that place yet.

I am angry. I am frustrated. I am frightened.

I know my more negative emotions tend to be the ones that come out in my blog posts. As I have said before, I am trying to be less negative both in my personal diabetes care and in my diabetes writings, including this blog. But diabetes is a very difficult thing and sometimes it is only the negative that comes out. And purging it sometimes leads to a brighter outlook in other aspects of life.

I started this blog not to share my story, but to have a place to safely share the emotional side of diabetes without judgment. I was suffering horribly from diabetes burnout when I began this blog. With this blog, that has improved…some.

I am aware that I have readers. I am aware that my readers are looking for something from me, from my story, to help them with their own stories.

But I hope my readers know that if they are looking for something profound, if they are looking for support and hope and understanding, this is really not the place to find it.

I am lost. I am searching in this darkness that is diabetes just like everyone else. Ruminate with me, but don’t expect inspiration.

Be inspired by Chris and Kerri. They have their sh*t together in a way I am still struggling with.